The crystal ball

                                         

Burdened with the thought of pending work awakened my restless mind. The thought of meeting the deadline was rumbling around in my head. My arms quivered and I could barely keep my fingers on the keyboard anymore. My tired limbs had already passed the judgment, I was tired and I required sleep. I am one of those curled up in a ball sleeper and for a tired mind it was easier to drift off to sleep fast. The thought of letting it all go mesmerizes me at times. The thought clouds up my mind if any of it will ever make sense to me someday? Someday when I will be embracing my old age with open arms may be this will make sense, may be. 

 Sitting in my office I diligently worked on the presentation. I felt like a triumphant after achieving the feat. Ah, so time for presentation and my heart was throbbing faster and louder than ever. I could almost hear my own heartbeat. Fear of getting judged made my each step heavier than the previous one. Among the judgmental money minded corporate slaves I made my entrance.  Seeing the uncouth judgment being passed around is a pet peeve of mine.

Resting my head on the arm chair kept near the window over viewing my garden, I decided to explore the forbidden road again. My arms reached out for the diary stacked on the shelf. It was deprived of attention from 2006. Old diary greeted me with its musty smell and the dry pages seemed reluctant at first but gave me an opportunity to unfold them slowly. I had tears in my eyes as I closed the diary resting in my neatly manicured hands. The vocabulary was not well equipped to provide description to what I was holding on to and if the reason was strong enough to hold on to it. Sometimes the unknown questions demand your attention and there is no way of dodging it. Was my mind racing too fast? These feelings are cursed; did I ignore a bad omen? My vulnerability stood exposed underneath the dim light of my bedroom.

 Holding back my tears, I started scribbling on the diary. What I intended to write I did not know. All I knew was that I was walking on the cursed path. Does all of your penned down thought need to have a sloppy beginning, I thought. But underneath, a dense maze of poetic underpinnings paddled furiously to help me prevent it from sounding prosaic. Today as I muster up the courage to put pen to paper, my inner self questions my audacity. For how long will it last? Was it a cowardly act?

I stumble upon so many thoughts and they seem to be at loggerheads, while I am in a dilemma to crown the imperative one. At this juncture, I cannot undo what has been done. Nor am I capable of pulling off an act together, all I am doing is playing alone and playing along. Will it receive its undue appreciation? Or will it be tossed amidst critics? We instill faith in ourselves after others approval, thinking or almost believing we’re spineless. We’re looking at ourselves through someone else’s magnifying glass only wishing that it will break into pieces someday. Someday we will all rejoice and might decide to come out from this enigmatic trance. Till then we’re doomed and we’re dazed!

Sometime I wonder if being in drunken phase will ease out the complications. The bewitching wine might make the restrained mind little sober? The wine has the power which can even set a wise man to singing and laughing. It rouses up a wise man to dance to unknown rhythm. The nausea will momentarily shield the restless mind from the exposed soreness. This will indeed have a therapeutic effect to the twinge in the heart. The silent inner monologue will fight its toughest battle and demand its publicity. The unwanted opinion will follow, the roving eyes will follow and here you go stepping into the spotlight. You want to turn the walk into a run and yet your staggering feet might not be your best friend. Well, no one is and everything you see, you feel, the air you breathe – is all momentarily. The spotlight will flicker and might fade someday. The spectators will lose interest in you and here you stand downhearted. The thought of fading away like one of those unsung heroes of the war gives me an eerie. War – a strong word with a deeper meaning indeed. War with inner self, war with the ruthless world - the word has transitioned from one era to another with a deeper outlook. Talking about deeper outlook, I can reminiscent one incident which helped me to change my perception and gave a reality check to my fantasy world – the self created world I chose to live in. During my early teens my friend and I had visited a fortune teller. Her kohl painted eyes and uncanny looks had me in awe. Being an awestruck teenager, I carefully scrutinized her chunky earrings. Heavily beaded necklaces and bracelets she wore made tingling sound every time she moved or made any gesture with her hand. Was I scared? Hell no! I was rather intrigued by her mere presence. She had an aura in her which will take you by surprise. With her black painted nails, she moved her hands in circular motion over the crystal globe she had neatly placed on the table we were seated. She got into a trance and said her friends from the unknown world were trying to send across a message to her. After she normalized, she predicted what future had in store for me. She said life will not be as rosy as I fantasized it to be and with her kohl painted eyes she deeply gazed into mine and warned me to be prepared for the unknown. Small droplets of sweat started forming on my forehead and I felt chill down my spine.

Years passed by, there still remained ambiguity about if any of the predictions came true. But somehow this incident had made a deep impact on me. Aren’t we all escapists? We are willing to believe any lie that makes our belief stronger in the fantasy world – the one which does not exist.  

The urge to forget everything for a moment, subdue any unwanted emotions and unleash the heavy thoughts - is a thought that weighed me down. Indeed life was not rosy and with time, slowly and gradually the unknown did catch me off guard. The fortune teller was right indeed.

  

R.I.P...my friend

Many times we might feel angry or start despising someone because we are not being able to forgive them for the mistakes they have made. Forgiving someone is not that easy and hence it requires an individual to be mentally strong while doing so. Pretending to forgive someone while in reality you might hold grudges against that individual is the biggest sin of all times.
Suppose two of your best buddies are having the worst fight of all kinds while you want to stop them from bickering and become friends. In this type of scenario two of them need to sit together and talk things out without losing their temper again. It is advisable to ask them to forgive each other for having said the rudest comments to each other. Most importantly if you are the mediator and you yourself don’t believe in the policy of forgiving others ruthlessly then you cannot possibly help others to stop fighting and ask them to follow the policy you your self don’t have confidence in.
Many start being egoistic when the time comes to apologize for one’s faults. Acknowledging our mistakes doesn’t make us small in front of others. Instead people think about us in high regard and start respecting us for our good deeds. When you apologize to the opponent make sure that your tone is right and hence, it’s not sound as if you’re doing some sort of favor by apologizing.
If another individual is saying sorry to you, then appreciate him for the step he has taken because one needs to have lot of guts before apologizing. Don’t be adamant when it comes to forgive someone. Always remember, your one mistake can either make a relationship or break a relationship.
I had a friend with whom I faced some difference in opinion and decided never to see her face gain in future! I did not confront about this issue to her, I kept it within. Slowly and gradually I started maintaining a distance and succeeded in attaining my goal. She went to UK to do her further studies while I went to Australia for mine and hence, we lost contact. Few months back I came back to my native place and met her mother in a grocery shop. She recognized me immediately. Enquiring about my friend was inevitable, the moment I asked about her there were tears in her eyes. She informed me that her daughter died in a plane crash. Though, I managed to maintain my composure in front of her the feet seemed to have given up yet I was standing in front of her, facing her. Now when I realize what mistake I have made it becomes impossible for me to forgive myself. Before you make the same mistake I made, stop yourself!



Pooja Choudhury

Please forgive me...i can't stop loving you!

He has been my best confidant. He held me together and helped me maintain my composure when I was in the verge of falling from the cliff. The countless number of nights when we have stayed awake talking over the phone are treasured in my memory box. While tampering with the delicate phone wires in my fingers, I have shared with him my innermost thoughts and deep inside I had an assurance that he is the soul I can trust on blindly. We have known each others for years, but the rapport we both shared with each other was getting stronger day by day.
While the dawn was breaking in the sky, he told me stories about his new crushes while I made fun of it at times and jogged past him. Being a slow jogger, he tried his best to get hold of me and take his revenge but he always failed…..
Recently things changed and things took a U turn in my life. Suddenly I started feeling jealous of the girls he was dating. The possessiveness I had for him grew stronger day by day. If he made any conversations with my fellow mates, my face used to turn red because of anger. For the twenty years of my life, these were the emotions I was emoting for the first time and I was not well acquainted with the reason for doing so. I started to look for reasons so that we could spend quality time together. The moment he looked into my eyes I shied away from him. From being the strongest person, I had started becoming the weakest person now. I really didn’t know what to do, spending less time with him seemed to be an ideal option but if I did so it became unbearable to bear the pain within.
The day spent without passing a quick glance at his direction, made my day worse and day by day I started becoming temperamental. Is this me? I asked my self yet the question remained unanswered. I discussed this issue with one of my closest pal and she said “girl you have fallen for him haven’t you? You’re having a crush on him!” she said with a child like grin pasted firmly on her face. Though deep inside I found my self nodding positively to the statement she made. There were too many unknown emotions I was experiencing but I knew I had to stop before it was too late, but how?
That night I sat at the corner of my bed while my computer screeched “please forgive me” by bryan adams but here I was, undeniably experiencing the strongest feelings of all times. Practically I stayed awake all night long, brooding unconsciously to find an ideal way to get over this feeling quickly and somehow I managed to get the ideal solution to my problem.
From the next day onwards I started camouflaging my real feelings for him and acted in the same manner as his best friend acted with him usually. We both shared the same friend circle, so it became important for me to find new friends and hence, I started mingling with the unknown faces as well. I started giving him excuses when he made plans during the weekends because the less time we spent together, it gave me ample time to get hold of feelings. But noticing this sudden change in me, he finally asked “are you ok?”
I looked at him quietly and stared blankly at his face like a love struck teenager, the moment I gazed into his eyes the world around me seemed to revolve in the opposite direction. I tried to say something and was trying to find the right words to utter something yet I failed. Suddenly, I hugged him and cried. Being a matured guy, he understood, I had kept quite yet my tears confronted the feelings I had for him. He hugged me in his wide arms and said “don’t cry sweetie it happens! Don’t cry it makes you look more idiotic!” I grinned like a stupid kid but all I knew was that i had not lost anything, instead there was quite a lot to share between us and it was nothing more important than our friendship….
Two weeks have passed since this happened, it is true I have gotten over my crush and having a crush on him hasn’t stopped me from loving him. Instead it has made me love him more than ever……..



Pooja Choudhury

Dreamer.....

The dust settled on the window sills of my room seemed bored and the idea of finding a different place to settle in was an exciting idea they were pondering on, it’s been a long time since they have lain there quietly. The breeze blowing so fiercely was helping my long time friends to find a new destination while I stood silently at the nook of my room scrutinizing their every move. The coffee mug cupped firmly between my fingers was helping them to get back to life from their numb state while the sudden outburst of sprinklers from the sky washed off my old pals. Countless dust particles overshadowing the tree in front of my house were finally washed off and the beauty of the green leaves seemed tough to give amiss.
Now the unnoticeable things could finally be noticed and the air carried with it a sweet smell which wafted in my room. This change was such a relief, a relief from the heat and dust. It was a huge relief for me especially; as I didn’t need to go to work today and I had a good excuse to invest my time doing the favorite pastime….watching the rains tapping on my window! The ambience was romantic and I already fell for it badly. Was I in love or the idea of falling in love was exciting me more, I don’t know but all I know was that I wanted to fall in love and embark on a new journey. Exploring the unknown paths, making my way through the serpentine lanes and the soiled streets welcoming me with open arms was the idea I was tampering with unconsciously. To many it didn’t make any sense and to say the truth even I was confused but all I know is that I needed a reason to runaway from the known faces. At this moment, the unknown faces were the safest ones to mingle with. The hypocrisy, getting back stabbed by the most trusted souls exasperated me and in order to get away from all this I needed a change of environment and most importantly I needed time to evolve.
What changes have I made till date? Were those changes successful ones? Did I have the courage to opt for a new change at this instant? All these questions were engulfing my thoughts while I was trying to grope around for an appropriate answer but failed to do so. I was ready to embark on a journey, not sure whether someone had the nerve to accompany me to help me take the biggest step of my life but here I was standing at crossroads, too adamant to step back from the decision I had already taken…..
While embarking on a journey it is very important to delve into this matter and decide what you are exactly expecting from it. Like in my case, I wanted to enjoy the solitude all by myself; I desperately needed solace from this hectic and unnerving life. Hence, I redirected all my energies to attain this goal. So it is mandatory to first identify your goals, choosing the right path and then focus in attaining those goals. While you are embarking on a journey or are part of the process, like me, you might find that the path is uneven or there is some sort of hindrance waiting for you in your chosen pathway. But the traveler who overcomes all these hindrances is the bravest of all! Try relating this scenario to your life. Don’t we all encounter hindrances in our daily life which stops us from doing something we always wanted to do? Instead of getting bogged and moving ahead in life to turn our dreams into reality helps us to be at content. No matter how unbearable the pain you might be experiencing in the journey, try to enjoy it and relate every scenario with your own life. If you’re moving too fast, try reducing your pace and take a notice of the beautiful things nature has gifted you.
While taking the journey, I noticed that I had forgotten how to laugh and enjoy the simplicities of life because I never had time to take notice of it while I was working or partying with my friends till the wee hours. This journey helped me take notice of things I was missing out on…I learnt to laugh again, the child in me which was scared to come out publicly was not scared anymore. As my journey reached to its destination I knew deep inside that the beautiful dream has finally come to an end but I also knew that though it has ended, the journey taught me to be different from the others. My thoughts weren’t conflicting with my inner world now; they both seemed to be at content.
Though my journey ended on a satisfying note, yours has just begun….learn to live life to the fullest. The hurdles may come in your but don’t let it be an excuse to stop you. Instead make it your strong armor and most importantly try spending some time with yourself. Learn to laugh at your mistakes now before you forget what laughter is!

Pooja Choudhury

Creator of mirages

Don't wake me up
As I might have drifted off
Into a deep slumber

Don't wake me up
As I might be seeking solace in pain

Don't wake me up
Because I want to be a silent sufferer

Don't wake me up
As I am the creator of this mirage

Don't wake me up
When my staggering feet
Lead me to threshold of endless suffering

Don't wake me up
As the known faces might become a blur

Don't wake me up
When the melancholic rhythm sways me

Don't wake me up
The cacophony of voices might soothe me

Don't wake me up
When the white butterflies
Form a halo over my head

Don't wake me up
If the darkness engulfs me

But do wake me up
As I am scared to leave
Do wake me up
Before i drift off to sleep....

Pooja Choudhury.

Frozen Soul

The thronged corner of the street seems to await my return. The familiar surroundings, the faces trying to lose their identity in the hordes of masked people and the canopy of lights above my head-they all are welcoming me with open arms. Managing my staggering steps I secure my usual place where I stand quietly resting my back against the wall. Amidst the observant eyes, I seem unnoticed, which is ironical. The smell of the delicacies wafting through the air satisfies my hunger for food everyday. Usually when the luck is on my side, the bread donated by a kind soul or someone’s left over makes me content. The bustling street, the decorated shops- they all were sinking in into the Christmas spirit. Today the business has been good so far. The coins tinkling in my pocket will help me survive for the next two days. The vagabond standing nearby strums his guitar and belts out ‘Jingle Bells’ which helps me forget my melancholy temporarily while I silently wish that everyday was Christmas so that a hungry soul like me would never go without a mouthful of food. Though deep inside I know it is not the kind of wish God will be willing to grant-even Santa Claus needs some rest! As the chilly night starts getting chillier, I decide to stay on duty for a few more minutes trying out my luck-before I bid adieu to the glistening night. My stiff hand begs for mercy from the passers-by and suddenly a kid hands over a crispy note. With an innocent smile he wishes ‘Merry Christmas!’ When the night seems to lose its charm and the stars fade away-I finally decide to find a pavement to rest my tired muscles. So with a smile on my face and a whistle on my lips I embark on a journey with a determination to find my way….

Pooja

Life without chocolates

Holding my papa’s hand, making my way through

the crowded bazaar, taking those baby steps not knowing what the future holds for me. Awestruck by the colorful balloons sold by the near-by vendor while my roving eyes rest upon people’s bewildered expressions trying to unsolve their puzzle. Tiny drop of sweat breaking on an old man’s forehead makes me think of the pain and the agony he might be going through. The smile on my friend’s face reflects how much he is enjoying his new bike ride. These are some of the vivid memories which reminds of my observant nature back then. Looking back at my childhood days, I reminisce about the era gone by so quickly-a phase so serene, pure, innocent and above all no tensions about the hectic life ahead. The hypocritical attitudes of people, back stabbing friends and the social dogma faced by us 24/7 exasperates the little child hidden in me. Every step taken is scrutinized under the scanner of many wandering eyes. Are we answerable to strangers for every liberal decision we make? Or should we have a clandestine relationship with our real self? Should we think before we speak our mind or wear a mask that might help to please others but not ourselves? Well, in a way even I was not sure of my real identity at one point till a guiding force guided me he said “you are a strong person I know why are you waiting for others to take your decisions…you know what you are capable of ....go ahead make your own decisions choose your own life…this will me make you stronger..”. he is an angel sent from above and he is none other my own brother….

Pooja